It has come to my attention that I have never told any of you just what we do in my small town for fun. Well, we do things at a slower pace than the rest of the world. We have a saying here, "do you want that on 'real world time', or on 'country people time'?". Real world time is right now, country people time is whenever we get around to it. It may be an hour, a day, a week, a month, hell, it could be a year! It WILL get done, we just tend to take our time. So, maybe today's anecdote will help you to see just how much fun we can have here!
So, we were all(or most of us), down at the city hall building one Saturday night, just watching the fresh coat of paint that Abner had finished that day. Here we were watching the paint dry, when, all of a sudden, someone in the back yells out, "This shit is boring as hell"!! Shoot, we was only a couple'a hours into watching it!! It was determined that the person who said that was Bubba, and he was very drunk. Two of the men from the volunteer fire department said they would take Bubba, and all of his whiskey home for the night. Hell, I reckon those boys stayed all night with Bubba to make sure he was ok, 'cause we didn't see hide nor hair of them for a couple'a days!!
In the meantime, it was decided that our town DID need some more entertainment for Saturday nights. A town meeting was called, and folks came up with different ideas. Some was good, some was awful bad. One thing was for sure, old Abner could only paint them walls just ever' so often. After a few coats, he would have to scrape them off. As much of a bell ringer as that is, it COULD get boring after awhile. Then, someone came up with an idea that would put our town on the map(the local maps, at least!). Snail Racing.
You heard right, Snail Racing. This idea was put to a vote. After some talking, and some drinking, and a little more drinking, the Mayor said the motion was passed!! And just for good measure, Hiz Honor also said we could bet on the races!! Hot Damn!! Racing and gamblin' all in one night!! We were sure to draw a good crowd!
Well, as is often the case, Saturday night came along right after Friday night, and 33 people entered snails in the first annual Walnut Mississippi Snail Race. Yes siree, they was 33 little snails, all with their shells painted like them there NASCAR Stock Cars!! The Mayor was so proud he was just about to bust!! No one expected this big of a turn-out!
Once the race got started, and the whiskey started flowing, my wife and I took our seats to watch these little champions fighting for the win. After about an hour, Bubba's snail pulled out into the lead around the track on the first lap!!! Bubba was just beside himself. Sadly, in the second hour of the race, Bubba's snail skidded out of control, and hit the wall in the back stretch! That poor little guy went up in a small ball of fire, and was finished for the night! About the time that little guy exploded, it was discovered that Bubba was cheatin'. He had gotten his snail to drink some Moonshine so he could run better. High Octane, you understand.
After about six hours, on the tenth lap, there was a horrible pile up down the front stretch! There were fully 15 snails involved in the crash!! It started when the lead snail laid down too much slime, and spun hisself out! The carnage was just more than any human should ever witness! It took two (2) hours to clean up the track, and cart off the dead and dying! I have never seen such a terrible sight. A few minutes later, we thought that we would have to call the race on account of rain. Just about that time, someone pointed out that we were indoors, and the track was only about 50 feet around! Then we spotted "Old Elmer" 'relieving' himself while standing on top of the Mayor's desk!! He was escorted outside.
About eight hours after it started, my wife and I had had all the excitement we could stand, so we left. That was three weeks ago, and they are still running that first race!!! I think someone should make the motion to limit the races to just 250 laps, instead of 500!!!
So, now that you know just how much fun we have here, come on down to the snail races...just be sure you have plenty of time to stick around!! C'mon, y'all, we'll leave the porch light on fer ya!!!
Holla' If You Hear Me!!!
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