Wednesday, March 31, 2004

The Surprise...

         Before we go any farther,I simply must inform you of a few "little" things about my mother. She was raised in the Ozark Mountains in Missouri. She taught me to shoot guns,she taught me to fight,she taught me to use a bow and arrows,she taught me to swim,to ride horses,and how to throw knives. My mother could out shoot and out fight most men that I have known! She has also been known to out drink,and out cuss most men that I have known. My mother was,quite simply,one "mean mother".

               Seems no one had ever stopped her when she was beating one of us kids...I had just crossed an invisible line,and would have to pay for my transgression....dearly. My mom went and locked every door and window in the house. When she finished this task,she informed me that the only way I would leave that house was if she were dead,or I was dead,and carried out. Mom said that I was about to "grow up,quickly".

               At this point,I was simply terrified! My mother had a look that said she wasn't kidding;that look was burning a hole through me right then! Mom drew first blood,and it wasn't pretty. I knew she wasn't kidding,and that I would have to give it everything she had taught me,or this would get ugly fast. This was a fight to the death,and I took it very seriously. The battle raged throughout the house.She hit me with everything she could find. I hit back,no punches pulled,no quarter given,by me or her. Thirty minutes into the "conflict",my mother lay on the floor,not moving.

             Was she alive? I didn't care....I simply wanted out of that house! I was not taking the chance that she would,or COULD get up. I ran the mile to school,where the principal saw the condition I was freedom did not come easy that day. I was just as bloody as my mother was,and must have looked a sight!

            We have never gotten along after that,she was always mad that I got out alive.I was just glad to walk away from it still breathing.

A Little More About Me...

           OK,calm down,children,and gather closer. My voice is heavier,and raspier than it used to be,so you need to be close,to hear my stories.Before we go much farther,I need to say Thanks to a special person. Her name is Jean,and she lives in North Carolina. Without her,I would never have started this. I have never met her,she is simply a 'net buddy,but she has taught me some things. Not THOSE things!!! She is not that kind of friend!

          OK,so I told you that I only saw my "real" dad twice in my life.That's all you need to know about him,except that he was an alcholic,and prone to "wandering";whatever. When I was three or four years old,my mom met this truckdriver from Tennessee.Big fellow,6' 8" about 400 pounds.They never really got along too well.There were constant fights,screaming,cursing,breaking things,and that is only what my mother did.

      I never realized he was not my dad until one night during one of their cuss-fights. When my mother screamed out that they had only been together for nine years.Hmmm....I was 12 years old at the time!!! Oh,my God,I was a bastard child! It seemed like the "marriage" went downhill from there.

          One morning,as we got ready for school,my mother was beating on my younger sister(four boys,one girl,she was the youngest). I had endured her beatings for over twelve years,my sister was six.....I decided this would end here. I grabbed my sister from my mother,and told her that she would NOT beat her like she did us boys. What followed was sheer terror!

           My mother screamed for everyone to go to school.....except for me. As I look back on it,I have never realized how close I came to dying that morning. When all the other children were out the door,I thought that I would endure another beating.....seems mom had something "new" in store for me!

More About Me

So,when last we left our "psuedo hero" we were reading about his mother's disdain for her children.Poor woman,I have nothing left for her but pity. Don't get me wrong,I spent MANY YEARS hating this woman.Not anymore,I have more going on in my life than hating people. As a matter of fact,over the past few years,I have forgiven many old debts.

             Have I mellowed over the years? Sorry,no.I just figured out that carrying all of that hate for others was keeping me weighed down,and stopping me from letting my "artistic spirit" from coming out.Do I simply "let things go" now?Again,sorry,no. It is the nature of the way that I grew up.I had to fight everyday,sometimes just to survive,and,admittedly,sometimes,just for fun. I grew up in a very violent background,and you can never get rid of that.The "Beast" will never be tamed,until it dies.

          But,here again is a double standard.I have raised two daughters,and never harmed them.Never have I harmed my wife.It seems if you are in the very small circle of people around me,then you are exempt from the rage within.My oldest daughter is married,and has two children. Her husband is NOT exempt! Enough about that.

         You can expect to see me here everyday,as I tend to simply LOVE writing. When in High School,the ONLY class that I never "ditched" was "English Literature". If you come here,I can almost guarantee that you will never be bored.Also,you will find more truth here than anywhere else.I don't lie,and simply cannot stand people who do. Till tomorrow; Holla' If You Hear Me!!!

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

When My Life Started

My life started in a convent somewhere in Missouri,on a cold,rainy night in April,1960. I have only seen my "real" father twice in my life...really concerned,he was. My mother,bless her heart,was completely insane. She should never have had children. Some people are good parent material,some are not. My mother was the latter. Given her mental state,she did the best that she could,with what she had to work with.

             She had five children,and wasted no time always telling us she should have killed us before we were born. We grew up with the knowledge that she hated everyone of us....equally. I know where my mother lives right now;I don't hate her,I just don't understand her. I guess I never will.No one ever will. She can be loving and caring one minute,and a demon from hell the next. How do you learn to deal with that? EVER?