Thursday, December 29, 2005

Something Special

OK, enough of that stuff for a little bit. I have been working some things out, so we will get back to that stuff later. Today, I feel good. I feel positive. And I need to tell you children, and my "minions" about a foundation that a friend and I are trying to get started. (Shut up, it could happen!)

             Of late, I and a friend of mine have noticed that we(the country), are losing rednecks at an alarming rate. They aren't getting rich and moving away, or anything like that. No, we are losing them to stupidity. Not like people who are born "mentally challenged", those people can't help how they are. Rednecks gain their stupidity from over-use of alcohol, or just a plain lack of good sense as one tries to "show off" for their friends!

             I mostly blame the schools in our area. Here is why I say that. The high schools in this part of the country do not teach kids the importance of simple physics. If you know simple physics, then 'Bubba' would understand and comprehend the forces at work on a human body when he gets drunk, and jumps out of his buddy's bass boat at 40 mph! 'Bubba' would also understand that hunting from a tree-stand 35 feet off the ground while drinking is a bad idea. Too often, I have heard these fateful last words..."Hey, hold my beer, and watch this". Sadly, when we hear these words, we know that we are about to lose one of our brethern. We know that no amount of logical talk will help our friendly redneck; the only way he will survive the night is in the intensive-care ward at a local hospital. (If we are REALLY lucky, and he is REALLY stupid, we might even get to see a helicopter land somewhere that it wouldn't normally!)

            So, my friend and I started S. A. R. F. Save A Redneck Friend (I know it rhymes with "barf".) We need our rednecks. Who else would we laugh at? Who else would we see put a beer can on their head, and let an equally drunk redneck shoot it off?? You just can't buy entertainment like that! Why do I make fun of them? I am one! Too often in my younger days I uttered those famous last words...hold my beer and watch this. I beat the odds, I actually survived some of my stupider stunts. Yes, there were bruises, stiches, and the occaisional concussion, but I got through it. If we can save just one redneck to see old age...


        Holla' If You Hear Me!!!

(no rednecks were harmed in the writing of this article)

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Day Four (12-01-05)

    Standing around waiting for something to do. The nurse came at 6:00 am to get some more blood from me. They are monitoring my thyroid gland closely. I will find out if it is going down, and I can return to something like "normal" soon. I hope, that is. Not much happening today, I got my "phase two" bracelet. This means that you have been making ALL of the group sessions, and are participating in your care here.

              This also shows that you keep your room clean, and that you don't hassle the staff or clients. Whatever. I filled out the paperwork for the "phase three" bracelet. This one allows you to go outside with staff, or with another client. You can walk on the grounds of the hospital, but only for a little while. I think they give you an hour or something like that.

                 I spoke to my youngest daughter this evening...she was telling me all about the wrestling that was on Monday night. She gets so excited about that stuff! Anyway she was doing fine, so I spoke to my wife for a few minutes, then hung up, and went to the last group meeting of the day. Slow day, that's for sure.


                   Holla' If You Hear Me!!!

Day Three (11-30-05)

  Third day. Still boring as hell. I called my wife last night, but there was no answer...I know where she is. She is safe, and ok. I am thinking about why I want to go back to her. I can't come up with a good reason right now. Ever since she has gotten this job of hers, everyone in her life is secondary to the job. She even refuses to introduce me to people she speaks to in public that know her...I am puzzled at this.

         The doctor has set up a meeting between my wife and me for three o'clock today....with someone between us. I have no idea what to say to her. I know that controlling myself is paramount. That is the one thing foremost on my mind. My temper is the reason that I am here. Also, the thyroid gland problem. The doctors are just now telling me that a thyroid gland running away with you can make you "crazy". Imagine that! You think someone could have told me that two years ago?

             The meeting with my wife went smoothly, sort of. She is deathly afraid of me at this point. I guess I can't really blame her. I should have been able to control the beast better than I did. I swore a long time ago that it would never come out.  I guess I was wrong. It seemed to just come all at once. After it was triggered, there was no way to stop it.

          There has emerged a group of people that sort of stick together here; Corey, Beverly, Tony, Helen, and myself. We all talk about the people we have at home. We also share a love of the same cartoons on t.v. We talk about why we are here, and we make jokes to help each other through this time here. It can be good to break the tension every now and then with these people. We jokingly call each other "crazy". One of the counselors has noticed that I am the "leader" of this small clique of people, and has told me as much.

           The staff has full access to everyone here. There are cameras everywhere. Anything you do is captured on film. This point was firmly driven home to two people in our group...they were caught sneaking into each other's rooms on different occasions. That is a definite no-no here! They have just extended their stay, that's for sure. And to answer your un-asked question, no, I was NOT one of them. Why in the hell would you start a relationshipwith someone in the same nut-ward as you are in? Seems like a risk, even without the cameras.....maybe I'm just thinking too much again.


               Holla' If You Hear Me!!!

Friday, December 16, 2005

Day Two---11-29-05

  Not much sleep last night...I expected as much. I hate different places, and it doesn't get much 'different' than here. They are doing 15 minute checks on me, so that means that every 15 minutes, someone will open the door to the room, and shine a flashlight in to see if I haven't hung myself with the curtains, or maybe jumped out the window. Idiots.

              Each morning you have to set a "goal", something that is attainable by the end of the day. You should hear some of the "goals" set by the clients;  "Clean up my room"; "Take a shower"; "See the doctor"; All of these are things that you would do anyway...these are not "goals"...these are everyday actions! Geez, what a bunch of morons.

            I don't have a goal for today, I just want to get through the day, or not, I don't really care either way at this point. I feel as if there is no fight left in me, I have given up completely...I just feel so damn tired.

                 At the first group meeting of the day, someone reads from a small book. It is some sort of "inspirational" crap written by someone with more problems than I have, that's for sure! But the first thing on the page is a bible verse. Yeah, like the bible ever solved anything. Is it even legal to force religion on someone? Especially people in a mental ward? That doesn't seem right, somehow. I listen to the reading, and then I am scolded by the nurse because I scoff at the notion that religion can solve your problems....I find it Ironic that most people here are suffering from things that cannot manifest themselves as "real", but these same people are asked to believe in something that is as abstract as religion.  Maybe I just think too much? Maybe they will give me some drugs.........

                  Later today, I met a woman named "Anna", she is one of the counselors here. She is also a very smart person, a light at the end of the tunnel. She runs the anger management groups...and she is good at it. She sets up different things for you to figure out, then shoots your ideas full of holes. I know this sounds bad, but she actually lets you see the barriers we put up for ourselves. It is uncanny howshe can do that. She bears further scrutiny...


                  Holla' If You Hear Me!!!

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Day One;

 Day One-11-28-05.....10:00 pm

         I have been here since about 1:00 pm today. I don't like it here. I have been here before, and I didn't like it then, either. I view everyone around me as a threat to my "well-being", such as it is at this point in time. I need to write this quickly, as it is lights out at 10:00 pm. Someone actually telling me when to go to bed?? That's just fucking great! Hell, I am twice as old as most of the staff here. They can't hope to tell me shit---they don't have the years, or the experience that I do.

               Most of the "clients"(their word, not mine) here are ok. By that I mean that at least they aren't down on all fours, and barking at people. For the most part, they seem well behaved; let's hope they stay that way. I refuse to take any shit from anyone, and they will learn that lesson if they get too close to me. So far, the nurses and aids have told everyone to leave me alone for now. I am in a really bad mood, and I don't care who knows it.

                10:30 pm...they just announced "lights out". Fuck 'em, I can write in the bathroom. I have a guy in the room with me in the other bed. He seems ok, but he is a drug addict. I can't understand someone with a good working brain putting that shit into their body....I have enough problems with my head, I surely don't need that shit! Oh, well, to each his own.

                   I can't sleep. The scenes from the night before keep playing over and over in my mind. It is like a bad movie that you can't turn off. Never ending, just running in a continuos loop. What are the scenes from the night before? I can't tell you would be admitting to a crime. It was horrible, some of the things that I did. I was lucky I stopped when I did. When I woke up this morning, and I was still seething with rage, I knew I needed some help. If I didn't get some help, things would soon be out of my control......


         Holla' If You Hear Me!!!

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Thanks to All

   Well, I am starting to feel a bit better. Things are by no means perfect, but I think I am setting them straight. For those of you that wrote to me here, and privately, I thank you very much. I have a good help base here at home, but I also have friends out there on the 'net. Mairia, I am always glad to hear from you! Just because someone doesn't agree with me is no sign that I hate them.

                    I chronicled every day that I was in the hospital...believe it or not, I actually wrote it out on paper, by hand! I will begin to put it all here for all of you to read. I must tell you that I was a mess when I finally got to the hospital. I was told later that I was raving about killing everyone in sight. Definitely not one of my better days. Thanks to some good people on-staff at the hospital, and some quick blood-work, they were able to help me get better. I still have a lot of fences to mend here at home....


              Holla' If You Hear Me!!!

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Back Again---

Well, here I am, back again. I have just spent a little over a week in the local nut-farm. On Sunday night, November 27, I completely wigged out...I even did some things that scared me! The next day, I decided to call someone for some help. I called the local Mental Health Services, and told them to come and lock me up. I was totally out of my head due to a bad thyroid gland that was suffering from a huge chemical imbalance, and, of course, my own paranoid delusions; a bad combination for anyone.

                  I spent just over a week there, and came home this past Tuesday evening. Now I have to repair the damage done here at home by me when I wigged out. As you might have guessed, I kept track of my days at the nut farm by writing notes so I could put it all right here. It isn't much, but it might give you some insight into my mind....if you even want to go there.

                   There is probably more that I want to say right now, but I can't think of it, so I will just leave this.  I have started a new medicine for my head, so maybe this will work. I really miss my used to keep me fairly level. Such is the luck...


                        Holla' If You Hear Me!!!