A Personal Note---

 I have spoken to my real dad. We spent some time talking on the telephone a couple of weeks ago. He seemed fairly up-beat about things. At least he didn't tell me to "fuck off", so I guess that is a start. And like the old saying goes, "you have to start somewhere". So, I guess we got started.

 

          Problem; last week I was told that my dad was taken to the V.A. Hospital close to where he lived. He was apparently very ill, and was down to ninety eight pounds. I know some things about this man, having met him a couple of times throughout my life. One, he is tougher than a pine knot, and two, he is, as someone told me recently, "an anvil of a man". I just can't see him as this small, little old man. It just doesn't make any sense.

 

         At the same time, I realize it is just part of the aging process, and his choice of a hard life. My dad may be a lot of things, but he was always tough as nails. I can hold my own with most, but I always wished I was him. I have no idea why I wished that, other than he was one of the toughest men I have known. Now, I look like him when he was younger. I look like an "anvil of a man". Maybe I got my wish?

 

            I lost my mother just two short years ago(June), I would hate to find my dad after all this time, only to lose him, also. I thought about going to see him...I am still contemplating that move. But there is a problem. If I leave here, I will not return, no matter what happens. I have told my wife of this, so she knows. Too many things have happened in the last year here for me to leave, and then return. For more details, you would have to ask my wife. I have no idea for some of the things she has done....I can't even pretend to speak for her.

 

           All I know is that I am a man torn between many things, and the memory of my mother dying without anyone there for her. This is still fresh in my mind, and it weighs heavily on me. Should I go to my dad? Should I be there for someone who was never there for me? There is always the notion that he helped to bring me into this world....should I honor that? Should I just turn my back on him? Can I ever get past some of the things that have happened at home? I can't answer these questions....I sometimes think that I am destined to have a fucked-up life no matter what I do.

 

                  Holla' If You Hear Me!!!

 

As an aside, yes, my wife has access to this journal...she has access 24 hours a day, seven (7) days a week, so she can read what I put here in case some of you were wondering. I play fair, even if she doesn't.

A Week Since I last Wrote????

  Well, a week since I last wrote here...that means that no one has managed to piss me off in nearly a week! Imagine that! I guess that even the world's idiots read here, and stay away from me!! Yes, leave me be, lest you be scalded by my acidic keyboard!!!  I shall put all idiots in their place, and never stop untill all are dealt with!

 

           But really, as I sit here with a kitten passively chewing on my foot, I am reminded that I am baby-sitting for my grand-daughter already. Man, the time really flies sometimes. I mean, it seems just yesterday, she was just this little bundle lying on my couch! She is nearly six (6) years old now. My, my, my, the time really does go! But I suspect that I will have another great summer with her, and my youngest daughter here at home.

 

             I have sold a few necklaces lately, and just sold another one this evening. It was a lovely blue cross. I only had to show it to one customer, and he knew he had to have it. I wish I had taken a picture of it before selling it....it was spectacular. Oh well, what is, is.

 

                Holla' If You Hear Me!!!

Look in Your Own Closet First

 So, there I was the other day, having what I thought was an "intelligent" conversation with a guy from 'up North'; Ney York to be precise. When all of a sudden, he says, "I really don't like the South, with it's history of slavery, and all". Oh, really? Well, let's just see about that.

 

          There were Northern states before there were any Southern States. Many of the people in the new "Congress of America" kept slaves. Even George Washington is reputed to have kept slaves. And need I even mention the name Thomas Jefferson? I think we ALL know that story. Hate the South? You better check your history, 'bubba'.

 

              And, here is a little nugget of truth for you. No one in my family EVER owned slaves! As a matter of fact, there is some evidence that people on my dad's side were "sharecroppers". That's where people work the land, and get the crops in, but get almost nothing in return for all their work. Oh, wait, there were also white people who were kept as slaves! This condition was not only forced upon peoples from the African Continent. If you were poor, and could be made to work, you were fair game.

 

             By the way, did I mention just how many  slave ships did their off-loading in New York? Yeah, seems they have a port, or something there....who woulda figured? Oh, wait, most people also say that a lot of the slaves were sold in St. Louis, Missouri. That is true, but the only way to get to St. Loius by boat is on the Mississippi River! That's right, the slaves had to be loaded onto boats up North, and brought South. A history of slavery, indeed!

 

         I like talking to stupid people. It just does something for me when I shut them up with pure facts. Facts that cannot be disputed. I love it when people have no idea what they are saying. I am not like a lot of people, just sit there and shake your head, and not disagree. If you are stupid, or ignorant of the facts, then I will certainly let you know! So, please, watch who you talk to, and how you talk to them. You just never know when you might be talking to someone who has actually read a book or two!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

                    Holla' If You Hear Me!!!

About Time

  So, last week, I called my real dad, finally. I can say that I did so with more than a little trepidation. The call seemed to go ok, only I didn't tell him the real reason for calling him. I sort of lied to him. I only told him that my mom had wanted me to contact him. I told him she told me this before she was murdered. The real reason for the call just seemed too cheesy to me.

 

           I am 46 years old, and he is 69(he told me when I called). How do you tell another man that a woman loved him all her life, and now she is gone? I have done some weird things, but that has to top them all. I tried to tell him, but we ended up talking about what I have been doing for all of these years. I am no good at that sort of thing.

 

            I think that it would have taken too many of the "feelings" that I have buried, and hidden for far too long in my life. Maybe it would have taken some sensitivity...I am also lacking in that department. I guess I am a "typical" man. I refuse to show a weakness, a chink in the armor. I have armed myself so well against the outside world that I am no longer able to feel.

 

              That last sentiment is no surprise to me. I learned long ago to stop feeling things about people. It seemed to protect me against the harshness of the world...it kept me insulated against being "hurt" by others. If anything, I have learned to strike first, and not let the other person get a hit in. I know it sucks, but what else could I do?

 

             Holla' If You Hear Me!!!

One Crazy World

  Isn't the world screwed up these days? Right is wrong, wrong is right, and all that bull-shit. Take for instance that last week one of the readers presumed  that they knew me. Now, maybe it is just me, but I could NEVER presume to know someone just from their writing. I love Stephen King's stories, but I would never say that I know  him. Hell, he might even sue me for saying so! You da' Man, Mr. King, you Da' Man!!

 

          Please, don't come here and read about me, then decide that you know me. And, for goodness' sake, don't think that I have had a "rough life".  It didn't seem all that rough to me at the time. I mostly did just what I wanted, with no guidance, no strings attached, and completely unfettered. How many people can say that they have TRULY lived their life? Certainly not the "little monkeys" I see everyday, conforming to everything around them!

 

           I see life as a boat....and it is sinking. If you keep the right mix of paddling the boat, along with bailing the water out, then things go smoothly. It's when you start doing too much of one thing that you start to get into trouble! If you are truly the captain of your little boat, then get busy doing the different things that it takes to keep your boat afloat, and moving forward! "Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!".

 

                 Holla' If You Hear Me!!!

Everyday Joys

  For the last couple of days, I have had the pleasure of the grandkids coming over. The little girl is five (5) years old, and the boy is only two (2) years old. The girl will watch cartoons, or blow bubbles for the cats to pop. She uses that bubble-blowing stuff. The boy, on the other hand, is a complete hand full!

 

          Everything is a "horse" for him to ride (they have real horses at home). Everything is also something for him to try to rope, like a cow, or calf. This child will almost certainly be a cowboy in every sense of the word. He has a large horse at home, it is plastic, and sits on springs. He not only rides this horse the 'normal' way, but he loves to stand up on the saddle, hang off to one side, and even slide down it to ride UNDER it's neck! I am more afraid of him turning the entire thing over onto himself, than I am of him simply falling off of it. Cowboy, indeed!

 

         At the same time, the children also bring their mother with them. That would be my older daughter. Keep in mind that I have a fourteen (14) year old at home. This past Thursday, we got her (the 14 y/o) a new game for the Playstation 2. It came with a game, and a special 'controller' in the form of a guitar. Now, the youngest girl loved it, as did the girl friend that stayed with her all week. Now, enter the oldest girl....surprise!! She likes it too! Now when she comes over, they both are in the bedroom, laughing and playing this game. Just to see them getting along is enough for me to be content. Usually, they just argue about WHO is the most spoiled!

 

           These are "Everyday Joys". I wouldn't trade them for anything, believe me. I have had one of the most exciting lives possible, and this is the best of times for me. I have done things that most people could only imagine, yet these times right now, hold more excitement, and intrigue, than anything I have ever seen! And now my oldest daughter is talking about wanting another child.....looks like my story is far from over....

 

                    Holla' If You Hear Me!!!

My Business, Not Your's...

  Yesterday, I wrote something here that I shouldn't have. After careful consideration, I decided that the entry was just too harsh to leave here. One of my readers decided that I was an asshole for a certain word that I used, and let me know about it. This reader even went so far as to call me a coward...that got me to thinking.

 

          "Coward". To run from things that tend to scare you. Sweetheart, I have never ran from anything. I have faced certain death head-on, and never flinched! I have been through one divorce, and still am not certain about this marriage. I have looked down the barrell of guns on numerous occaisions, and not run. "Coward"? You need to get your terms straight. I used a word that I should never have used, true. The fact is, I NEVER use that word, and I thought that I had mis-used it, so I deleted the entry. No use hurting someone's feelings for nothing.

 

           Now then, if someone acts like the word that I used, then I will still NOT use it. I really don't like the word. I do, however, try to make a point with my words. I felt strongly about the subject matter, I am just not so sure I felt that strongly about it. Don't call me a "coward", and hide behind a screen name, please. I have given my full name and address here before, and will do it again. "Coward"? You can call me that when you have signed up for the Armed Forces, and served your Country.  You can call me "Coward" when you have stood and fought more than three men at once!(I didn't say that I won).

 

            If we want to hurl names at each other, I suggest this---man who came to his senses, and righted a wrong that he made. I am not mad at the reader, just a little disappointed that the reader thinks that they are infallable. None of us are, and I would hope that you remember that.

 

                       Holla' If You Hear Me!!!

To Tell or Not to Tell....

.....That is the question. A couple of months ago, a cousin of mine "found" me on the net. This cousin lives in Missouri, where most of my people were originally from. Don't worry, I am not being scammed, she really is my cousin. She knows too many things that happened when we were kids....things that only I or she would know.

 

        Through her help, I now posess the knowledge of where my biological father is, his address, and phone number. She really is a sweet girl. I asked for this information, and she found it for me. I have a reason for wanting this info....but it is NOT what you may be thinking.

 

      If you are a long-time reader here, then you know it is almost two(2) years since my mom was killed by her 'boyfriend'. The week before she died, she called me late one night.  It was the 'usual' thing...I answered the phone, and she started cussing me out. First about one thing, then another...the details aren't important. When she had finished, she calmed down, and then began to talk. I think she somehow KNEW that she hadn't a lot of time left here, just by the way that she was telling me things.

 

        The conversation turned to my 'real' dad. She told me of a love that would never die. She told me that he was the only man who ever had her heart. She still loved him, and wished that he were there with her at that time. The whole thing was really surreal.

 

        I have come to know that that news was not for me. It was for my dad. I was meant to convey that message to him. The knowledge given to me by my mom was not mine to keep. She never said that she loved her kids, only this man. One Man. The only man for her. How do I tell him without sounding completely sappy? This is something that SHE should have told him. Since her time was cut so short, I guess it falls to me(again), to straighten up one of my mom's messes.

 

        How do I know that she wanted my dad to know this? I don't, for sure. But there is this nagging feeling that he SHOULD know this. Since I am the only one she told this to, it therefore falls to me to tell him. I don't hate the man, but I haven't lost anything in him, either. All he ever gave me was a name. That, and a dollar, will get you a cup of coffee  anywhere.

 

      I have to call him. I have to tell him. I don't want to, but I know that I must.....

 

                     Holla' If You Hear Me!!!

Simon and Garfunkel...A Bridge to the Past

  "Like a Bridge Over Troubled Water"....by Paul Simon, and Art Garfunkel. One of my favorite songs when I was a small child. The meaning of it wasn't lost on this little boy, at the time. I knew that it meant(to me, at least), that there was hope to solve problems that came up. "Like a bridge over troubled water" meant to me that ANY gap in communication could be "bridged", any problem could be solved. Or so I thought at the time.

 

            With all of the crap that was going on in my little life, I looked to that song for strength(That, and "Puff The Magic Dragon", but that is another story...), it helped me get through every time my mom would beat me. I would just run the words through in my head during the "beating time" as we called it, and I was able to make it through. OK, maybe the song had nothing to do with it, maybe I was just so mean, and hardened by that time that I really didn't give a shit anymore, but I thought it helped, so there.

 

        Then, when I was still very young, maybe nine(9) or ten(10) years old, I heard that Simon and Garfunkel had split up. SPLIT UP?!?!?! These were the guys that had sang "Like a Bridge Over Troubled Water"!!! How in the hell could THEY split up?? Couldn't they work it out? Their song helped me, why couldn't it help them??? My little world was shattered. I just knew the song would never work for me again...I was doomed to a cycle of endless beatings with nothing to look forward to. How could I go on? What would I do?

 

           I found out that I would endure, I would go on. Did the song really help? Yes, it did. I continued to run it through my head whenever my mom got the "itch" to do some beatin'. I STILL, to this day, use the song. Maybe Simon and Garfunkel couldn't use it, but I damn sure do!!!

 

               Holla' If You Hear Me!!!

At Least One Good Thing

  I hope this shows up for all to see. I just had to put it here for now.

 

            Hello john goodson!

Your Quit Date is:Wednesday, December 03, 2003 at 12:00:00 PM Time Smoke-Free:820 days, 18 hours, 23 minutes and 54 seconds Cigarettes NOT smoked:24623 Lifetime Saved:6 months, 8 days, 2 hours Money Saved:$4,310.25

Open Gadget

Congratulations

WHO'S BETTER THAN YOU TODAY?
You've made it! A whole 27 months without a cigarette! In that time, you've successfully navigated the physical chaos of withdrawal, the emotional highs and lows of early quit, and the pitfalls of relapse!
WHO'S BETTER THAN YOU TODAY?
Countless times you've refused the offered cigs. More times than that you've craved nicotine, but opted for health, instead. You've endured teasing, lack of support, and feeling uncomfortable and out of place among smokers. You may have had issues with weight, anger, tension or sadness, but still you stayed SMOKE-FREE!
WHO'S BETTER THAN YOU TODAY?
You're adjusting to a whole new lifestyle. You're already thinking different thoughts. You've changed habits and routines. You've made new friends and, perhaps, let go of some old ones. You're starting to realize the benefits of living a SMOKE-FREE life. More and more, you see yourself as a non-smoker. We hope you're as proud of you as we are.
WHO'S BETTER THAN YOU TODAY?
And while you've been doing all this for yourself, you've been helping everyone here at the Q: your membership in our community, whether active or passive, has demonstrated an ongoing support of the efforts of all of us. We hope you stay with us as you continue your SMOKE-FREE journey to a fuller, richer, healthier life.

 

Holla' If You Hear Me!!!

Latent Conspiracy?? (You Decide)

  And here we go again! When I last got out of the nut-ward of the "local" hospital, I was put on a new medicine, and one med that I was already taking was upped in dosage. Well, the nurse that did the discharge on me was busy with shit happening at home, and didn't really pay attention to what he was doing. Subsequently, he forgot to write my prescriptions for the new med, and for the upped dosage of the other med.

 

          So, I call the hospital a few days after I arrived home---I didn't even notice that I had no prescriptions at first. Besides, my job is to be the nut, it is THEIR job to help me out. Whatever. So, anyway, I call the hospital...I am told "No problem, dude, have your doctor call us, and we can get those drugs right to you, your regular family doctor can write the 'scripts"!  Shit, that sounded easy enough to me!

 

               So, today I get an appointment with my family doctor(finally), and tell her the situation. "Not a problem, John, I will just call the hospital like they said, and they can fax over the 'scripts". Easy enough.  Yeah, not in this fuckin' life! The hospital tells my DOCTOR that they cannot release ANY info about me untill I go all the way back out there and sign a release form!! Well fuck me!!! That is the FIRST piece of paper that you sign when you go in!! One release form for the hospital to GET your records, and one to RELEASE your records!!  Who the fuck is running that place? Some of the fucking freaks that were on the nut-ward with me???

 

       I have said it before, and I will say it again; I swear that the government picks out certain people at birth, and continuosly fucks with them throughout their lives. They do this to see just WHO ends up as the next serial killer, or mass-murderer! People who all of a sudden "snap" are some of these people!  There is absolutely NO REASON for me to keep running into brick walls in my life!  Someone, somewhere, somehow, is fuckin' with my life! There has to be! There is no way that ANYONE could have this much bad "luck"!!!

 

           So, after all of this shit, I am supposed to keep my temper in check. Yeah, and monkeys are supposed to fly out of my ass!!! Maybe if I get drunk enough, I will forget.....whoops, won't work. The shit will still be there tomorrow....

 

             Holla' If You Hear Me!!!

 

P.S.....Go ahead, assholes, I'm on to you!

Take Care of your Pets

  I belong to a local "freecycle" chapter in my area. This is a small organazation that has people who give things away to other people, to be recycled, or re-used, and not just thrown away. It is a good idea, but sometimes, it can try your patience.

 

          Nearly everyday I see people "giving away" free puppies and kittens. People....PLEASE take care of your animals. If you 'keep' an animal as a pet, then YOU are responsible for that animal! Have the animal spayed, or nuetered. This way you don't have to go out of your way trying to "give away" little bundles of life that even YOU don't want. If you wanted them, you wouldn't be trying to give them away! Make no mistake, you were careless, and your animal became pregnant, and now you don't want the little lives that have come into the world.

 

           I hate to see this keep happening, but it goes on everyday. There is no excuse for this. YOU are supposed to be "smarter" than your animals....."supposed to be"...that is the key. Don't let this keep happening. Do I own animals? Yes, I have two female cats. I love them, and I do not let them become pregnant. At this time, I do not want a litter of kittens to deal with. Rather than let the cats run loose during the time they are "in season", I keep them in the house. And, yes, I have to put up with some of the most awful noises you could imagine. Cats in season can be VERY vocal! And very loud.

 

        No matter what animal you own, please stop the un-wanted births of little bundles of life. Any life is precious. I can't stand to hear of people that have small animals, and they actually kill the new borns sometimes, just to get rid of them. That person has to be more "man" than I am. I could not do that...like I said, ALL life is precious, a miracle in itself. Do what is right, won't you, please?

 

          A concerned citizen in Walnut, Ms.

No Subject Line Today

  Well, here we are on a Friday night. All revved up and no place to go!!! My sattelite tv has been out for a week now. I have replaced the reciever, the LNB(that's the little thing in the middle of the dish), and re-grounded the system. I have realigned the dish, and even made sure that the signal is at 100%. Still no luck. So the dish people say that someone will be out Tuesday....sometime between 8:00 am, and 5:00 pm. These fools are just as bad as the cable people!!

 

           Not much else to talk about for the past week...this tv thing has been taking up all of my time. Fooling around with first one thing, then another, and waiting for the UPS guy to deliver things to me.  I wish they were like the ACME guys on the "road Runner" cartoon. Put your request in the mail, and the dude shows up right then!! That would be cool....except I seem to recall that those ACME products hardly ever worked right!!

 

                Holla' If You Hear Me!!!