I have spoken to my real dad. We spent some time talking on the telephone a couple of weeks ago. He seemed fairly up-beat about things. At least he didn't tell me to "fuck off", so I guess that is a start. And like the old saying goes, "you have to start somewhere". So, I guess we got started.
Problem; last week I was told that my dad was taken to the V.A. Hospital close to where he lived. He was apparently very ill, and was down to ninety eight pounds. I know some things about this man, having met him a couple of times throughout my life. One, he is tougher than a pine knot, and two, he is, as someone told me recently, "an anvil of a man". I just can't see him as this small, little old man. It just doesn't make any sense.
At the same time, I realize it is just part of the aging process, and his choice of a hard life. My dad may be a lot of things, but he was always tough as nails. I can hold my own with most, but I always wished I was him. I have no idea why I wished that, other than he was one of the toughest men I have known. Now, I look like him when he was younger. I look like an "anvil of a man". Maybe I got my wish?
I lost my mother just two short years ago(June), I would hate to find my dad after all this time, only to lose him, also. I thought about going to see him...I am still contemplating that move. But there is a problem. If I leave here, I will not return, no matter what happens. I have told my wife of this, so she knows. Too many things have happened in the last year here for me to leave, and then return. For more details, you would have to ask my wife. I have no idea for some of the things she has done....I can't even pretend to speak for her.
All I know is that I am a man torn between many things, and the memory of my mother dying without anyone there for her. This is still fresh in my mind, and it weighs heavily on me. Should I go to my dad? Should I be there for someone who was never there for me? There is always the notion that he helped to bring me into this world....should I honor that? Should I just turn my back on him? Can I ever get past some of the things that have happened at home? I can't answer these questions....I sometimes think that I am destined to have a fucked-up life no matter what I do.
Holla' If You Hear Me!!!
As an aside, yes, my wife has access to this journal...she has access 24 hours a day, seven (7) days a week, so she can read what I put here in case some of you were wondering. I play fair, even if she doesn't.