Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Part Two of "No Subject"

         Now that my friend has picked me up,we pull over to assess the damage to me. As far as we can tell,the only thing broken is my nose. I do look like a walking "human bruise". No part of my body isn't covered in bruises. I might have a concussion,or a bunch of 'em for that matter,we can't tell. Hospital,doctor?? No way,they ask too many questions when people have boot marks all over them. This will be settled later,when I get back to the club.

          I really wish I could tell you that I busted out with moves like Bruce Lee,and kicked everyone's ass that night. It just dosen't happen that way. No matter how good you THINK you are,these guys were like a bunch of cats playing with just ONE mouse. For that one night,my name was MOUSE!

           I went home,but there was already a "War Council" meeting there;they knew what would happen to me.The saddest part of all of this---I knew FULL WELL what would happen to me,but I went anyway! I HAD to! I was part of the HAD to be done. Besides,I was now exempt from the battle that I knew was coming.

         Through what we called "runners",both clubs agreed ;no guns. Chains,clubs,knives,and anything else was allowed. No one else got the crap beat out of them untill the actual street-fight. But a strange thing happened: I got the respect of my guys,naturally,but the prez of the other club actually sent a runner to say that I had his respect.

         I certainly don't remember much of that night when I went to him with the warning to leave. I guess that I was a little fuzzy on some of the details of how his guys "played" that night. But one thing stuck with him....I never gave in,and begged them to stop. Hmmm,that could be because of a couple kicks to the head,just as all of the "fun" started that night! I know it was light when they tossed me into the street the next morning,and my friend that picked me up said that it was after 7:00 am,that's about it. So,a boot to the head won me some measure of respect?? Uhhh,ok.

            There was a street battle that took place,and the other group quietly slinked away to lick their wounds,and leave town. I was happier than everyone else---I would NEVER have to go back there;and I would never have to make "first contact" with  another gang. I earned my stripes that night,and I knew it. Now,so do you.

                                Holla' If You Hear Me!!!

No Subject

         Come,my children,and listen at my feet,as I tell of tales too true to be make-believe!!

            The year is 1975; It is nighttime,in an abandoned warehose somewhere in the city. Steppenwolf plays loudly from the turn-table...the smell of marijhuana hangs heavy in the air,people are milling around. Beer,wine,whiskey,and some concoction brewed from mushrooms is being passed around.

             Talk of motorcycles is rampant,so is the talk of "cleaning up" the neighborhood.Translated,this means that a rival gang has moved in,and needs to be set straight on the "rules". Rules that they NEED to know to survive in this town.

              Rule # 1; There is only room in this part of town for ONE motorcycle gang,and WE were here FIRST!  Rule # 2;there are only three RULES!   Rule # 3; See RULE # 1 !

             As the night goes on,and the booze and drugs flow heavier,it is decided that there is only ONE person to deliver this message to the "other" gang,and be able to come back alive; That victim would be ME! To turn down this "oppurtunity" would make me look weak;to embrace it could kill me......I have NO CHOICE,I must choose to perform this "duty". "You'll be fine" I am told; I do not share their optimisim.

           I walk the few blocks to the other "club's" hang-out---I don't need my bike stolen as well,or worse,busted up! I am greeted at the door by two of their "finest".Translation---biggest,and meanest. I ask to see their "prez". I am stripped of all clothing,and left with only my under wear...I am supposed to be "thankful" for being allowed to keep that! I am taken before their leader. This can only end badly for "the kid"..............

           I deliver the message,"you are NOT welcome in this part of town". He laughs,I tell him that I am VERY SERIOUS! He admires the "guts" that it took for me to come alone,and un-armed. I tell him this is his one,and ONLY chance to leave without incident,and he should heed my warning. The "prez" seems to no longer be amused with me,at least in the current context that he is "amused" with me." Time for some fun", he declares. This is where it goes badly for the kid.

         I am 15 at the time,but I have put myself in the boots of a much older man by coming here. His first order to his men???? "Don't kill him,I want him to go back to them". This isn't as merciful as it sounds,believe me. I actually pray for death as I am fighting---there is NO WAY to win;I can only hope that I make a good-enough showing so that they will go "easy" on me. They don't think like I do!

         It was 10:00 pm when I arrived at the other club's was 7:00 am when I was hauled out to the street,and dropped in the gutter. I had lived,now all I need to do was get back to my place. I was picked up by a non-biker friend a couple of blocks away...I am surprised that he even knew who I was.

                        To be continued...............


Sunday, June 27, 2004

Faith--or the lack thereof

        God-a simple,three-letter word. Spelled backwards it is "dog". I have heard it all my life "everyone believes in a God of some sort". REALLY?? EVERYONE???  Stop pissing  down my back,and telling me it's raining! Not EVERYONE believes in a God. You have just met one of those people. Before I go any farther,let me just say that my wife,and my children DO believe....completely. I have no problem with that. I only go on what I see...I have never "seen" God.

       I have heard all the crap about God is in your heart--bullshit! I will never understand all of the people who say that ANYTHING that happens was because of GOD! God lets little babies die,for no good reason? God lets people die in car-crashes for no apparent reason? God lets MILLIONS die in wars for no good reason? Why can't GOD stop any of these things??? Let's all look up right now,and ask GOD to stop ALL of the senseless killing in the world---didn't work,now did it?

       Because we believe in some non-existant God,and Muslims believe in Allah,we hate each other?? Again,I say "bullshit"! Look back at the history of the world; how many wars have been fought over religion? Too damn many! Fighting for land is one thing...but fighting for something as non-tangible as Religion?? It's just stupid!

       This entire business with the terrorists is nothing more than a religious thing! They have even declared a "jihad"--a "holy war",against the "western world". I firmly believe, because of their religious beliefs,most of these little Mid-Eastern countries have never become civilized after THOUSANDS of years of being populated! Throw it down,and walk away.

       What has GOD done for me? Some folks say if not for God,I wouldn't be here; please shut up! If two people didn't have sex at a certain time,THEN I wouldn't be here! "If it weren't for God,you wouldn't be breathing"---kiss my ass! My brain likes living,so it sends a signal to my body to breathe,I don't even have to remember to do it! God makes the trees,flowers,and other plants--What??? Tell some farmer next year to leave his fields alone,and GOD will make things grow for him/her---then sit back and watch them starve!!

       Why haven't ANY of these "Near Death Survivors" told of seeing God,and not someobscure Aunt,or Uncle,or a grandparent? Because you can't see what does not exist! A "bright light in a tunnell"??? That's a train,stupid,and your name is on it!!

Saturday, June 26, 2004

Not Much Better---

I swear,nothing is better today! I think I have been too long without seeing a head-doctor. We have one close by,but the shit-head may spend two minutes  with me every three months,and comes up with some new medicine I can't afford,and then bitches when I don't get the medicine! I think I FINALLY impressed upon him the  fact that he is VERY lucky to still be walking!! Needless to say,I am NOT allowed to see him anymore! 

         "Fuck 'em and feed 'em fish-heads!!" That's what I always say!  I seem to be taking everything personally here of late.I seem to have this "whole world can kiss my ass" outlook. I know it was there before!! Shut up,and sit your ass down!! Let me finish---it just seems worse than before.

        Self-diagnosis:maybe my mom died,and I never got a lot of things "finished" with her?? Maybe she died,and never admitted she was wrong,wouldn't even admit ANY of what she had done? I tried to talk to her about things before she passed away,but she just said that those things NEVER happened! All she had to say was that it was wrong...I never expected her to appoligize---that just wasn't her "style".

       Fuck it! She is gone,and I will make sure that the entire world suffers---I will unleash my wrath upon ANY who are STUPID enough to piss me off! Now,to find that stupid-ass doctor...........

Friday, June 25, 2004

People who piss me off!

People who piss me off?That would be everyone,

They get in my head,and make a sound like a hum.

I can't stand them,I wish they would just go,

Maybe I'll go insane,and lay them all low.


I hate these bastards,they make me so mad,

They better back-off,'fore they wish they had!

My mind speaks to me,sinister and low,

It says,"these freaks need to go!"


My mind screams,and lets me know just how it feels,

I'll have these bastards beg for mercy,as to me they kneel!

People try to mold me into their "vision",

I'm about to explode like nuclear fission!


Leave me! You just make me ill,

Don't push me,don't make me kill!

I live in a different world than you,

better move,before you live there too!


I don't care if you scream,beg,or cry

just more for me to laugh at as you die!

You can live in the country,or in the town,

I don't care,you are goin' down!


So when you go to bed,and say your prayers,

Just pray that I am not there!

I come silent,like a thief in the night,

I'll snatch your soul,you won't even see the "light"!


Holla' If You Hear Me!!!

If you use my work,and DON'T put my name to it,I will hunt you down,and..........

Bite Me!!!

 I am so pissed off,I could bite nails in half!! It seems to have just been one of "those" days!! I am not sure what happened,it just seems that everything has gone wrong!!! I think the worst is my 12 year old daughter actually ARGUING with our (nearly) four year old GRAND-DAUGHTER!!  I am about one click away from totally smacking her!

         I had to buy a new starter,and battery for my riding starts,and runs,and now it quits for NO apparent reason!!! Screw it!! Tomorrow HAS to be better,it certainly CAN'T get any worse! If it does,I don't want to be here!

       I feel like I could just start screaming,and beating the hell out of people,and NEVER stop!!!!  GOD DO I NEED SOME DRUGS!!!!!!

                                 Holla' If You Hear Me!!!

Wednesday, June 23, 2004


     Wednesday here. Nothing much to talk about. I at least wanted to check in,and not neglect my own journal! My grandson is just over five months now,and my grand-daughter will be four years old in less than a month! Damn,time has a way of sneaking past you when you aren't even looking!

      I have a daughter that will be 21 next month,my anniversary is next month,married 22 years,and my grand-daughter's birthday is next month!! Plus the fourth of July....I go broke in the month of July!

        I like to come pressure,I can just imagine a few people sitting around in a half-circle,and we are all swapping stories. It doesn't matter who we are,where we come from;what race,religion,creed,whatever. We just sit,and relate to each other...f**k the rest of the world for a while. Let them keep their prejudices,their hate,their wars,and stays outside the circle!

       I love to write,I also love to read,as a matter of course. Come here,and tell me YOUR know my address,so send them to me. I always say that everyone has at least ONE story...they HAVE to have one. No way can you live your life,and not have at least one story. True or not,doesn't matter. If you can talk,you can write! It's just that simple! No excuses...none! Just send me your stories. I don't want to use them,just read them. If you want to see them here,just tell me,and I will put them up!  We ARE limited to 25,000 characters.

                                   Holla' If You Hear Me!!!

Sunday, June 20, 2004

Would You???

    I have had a few friends tell me to write a book,several times. I'm not sure...I say that I have no talent for writing,others say that I am crazy! I really can't say one way or the other,modesty forbids it. If this were a book,would you buy it? I wouldn't. It is just another yayhoo bitchin' about how life kicked him around! We have enough of those books floating around anyway! Besides,why would you pay to read it,when you can get it for free here?

        Six months ago,I quit smoking. I spent 30 years sending my money,and my health,up in smoke! I was up to about two and a half packs a day. I stopped all at once...I just threw them out. I did use a product to help. All natural herbs,and it works. AOL will frown on me for advertising for them,so I CANNOT mention their name. I can only say that this product will help you keep the smoke away for good!

       I have since become a moderator at the company sponsored site. I recieve NO PAY for what I do there. I also do not try to sell anyone anything. You can come there even if you are still smoking! I will add my E-mail address,because I think AOL would not like me giving you a direct link to the site(this is why you should READ the  agreement BEFORE you sign up!) I didn't pay enough attention to the rules,but I am sure that giving  links to company sites is a no-no.

        that is me,so if you want to speak to me,play nice. I do not like threats,or spam,and my virus program hates nasty little,like I said,be nice!

Saturday, June 19, 2004

It Is Time---

       I looked for poems about mothers on the web this morning. NOTHING fit the occasion. ALL of them were just too sappy,touting the pure "love and Happiness" of being a mother. They don't apply here,and I  refuse to pretend that any of them do!

      The funeral is today,at around Noon,eastern daylight savings time. It will take place in Benton Harbor, Michigan. She was born March 23,1944. She was 60 years old. She ran a ceramic business,and raised champion chinese pug dogs. I know no more about the woman I called "mother" for 44 years of my life. And thus it ends. Like I said before,a sad end to a sad life.

       I just thought some words should be said today by me,her oldest son,and oldest child. This burden falls to me because none of the other children will even pay this small tribute to a life lost. Someone died,and that someone was of my blood,so there should be SOMETHING said. Now,it is done.

Monday, June 14, 2004

The Blink of an Eye

  What can I tell all of you? I have just learned that ANYONE can lose someone in the blink of an eye. Even if it is someone that we are not particularilly close to. It happens,and we have no warning,and no second chance to say the things that we might have wanted to say. It can happen so quickly,and we have no control over Death.

     I have said before that I was confused about what to feel,or to say. I can only hope that my own children won't feel the same when my time is up. I have tried to give them everything that they needed,and most of what they wanted in their lifetimes. I am not a rich man,never have been,maybe never will be(I AM optimistic!). I provided my daughters with everything,including a home to live in,and the never-ending love,and protection of a father that truly cares. I know that they needed at least that much,even if I couldn't afford the better things in life.

           What am I saying? You needn't be rich to raise your children. Just be damn sure that you want them BEFORE they are brought into this shitty world! If you don't plan on taking care of them to the best of your abilities,then don't bring them into the world. I have long had a saying that I go by..."Stupid People Shouldn't Breed!" It just makes good sense. I cannot stand people who disregard the responsibilities of having children,only to abandon them later in life,when they aren't "cute" anymore! I know all about this,I think it should be legal for all of us to hunt these people down,and put them in prisons for LIFE! People like that should NOT be allowed to roam free!  That's my two cent's worth.

                                      Holla' If You Hear Me!!!

Saturday, June 12, 2004

Out Of Town

  I know that I have missed some days,now. Get over it,shit happens! I had to make a road-trip to Missouri to try to get my mother's affairs in order,and to have her body shipped to my grandmother in Michigan,where she was born. I hate dealing with "official" types...they can be a pain in the ass!

   I still have not stated my mother's name,and will never do it,sorry,get over it. She is gone now,so I would never put her name in print. I spent the last three days on the road. I am tired,and worn out. It is an eight hour drive to where she lived.

     I have been totally confused in this matter....I should be sad that my mother has passed on,and I am,a little. I also feel relieved,because she could be so damn mean at times;actually,most of the time. I know I shouldn't feel that way,but I do. When I started this journal,I promised people only the truth,and you deserve that. I just don't know how I am supposed to feel about all of this. Maybe I can sort it all out,sooner or later.

      I don't know what else to say about all of this,maybe some of you have some ideas? Questions,comments,abusive remarks----let me hear 'em.

                                           Holla' If You Hear Me!!!

Monday, June 7, 2004


  Late one evening,when I was 17 years old,I was to meet with an Indian Shaman,when I lived in Michigan. He was an ancient man,very old,and very wise,or so I was told. He was to help guide me in my life;not tell me how to live,just give me an idea what lay ahead,as much as anyone can do such a thing.

   He was a gruff old man,and somewhat short-tempered. He had no time for you,if you didn't believe in what he was doing---I did. He asked no money for what he did,but I brought him an "offering" of meat,tobacco,a new knife,and some other trinkets....I can't remember all of it. I offered all of these things to him,for his services,I was glad to give these things to him. He recieved me,and the process began.

   I was forbidden from ever telling just what he did,and I have kept my word,even now....sorry. I CAN tell you what he told me. My spirit sign is a hawk. I had much "turbulance" swirling around me at the time. I was informed that I needed to settle some of the turbulance,to help quiet my life,and get me back on track. He never told my future....that wasn't his job. He was there to look into my soul,and he did just that. Was he able to calm my spirit? Of course not...that was my job.

       I have been doing that job every single day since that cool,crisp evening in the Northern Autumn.....I can honestly say that it is a job that will never be over. Thankfull,I have a true soul-mate with me who helps keep my turbulent spirit in check,but is kind enough to let it out to fly around wife.

                                        Holla' If You Hear Me!!!

Saturday, June 5, 2004

A Death

        Sometime around midnight last night,my mother passed away......a sad end to a sad life. I said tears,it is a sign of weakness. Men don't cry,women,children,and sissies do. I DO NOT. It doesn't make me heartless,it just makes me a man.....a hard man,yes,but just a man. No better,and no worse than any other. If my mother saw me crying,she would have knocked me out!

        Maybe now,she can find the peace she has searched a lifetime for. One of my friends said maybe now I can find the peace that I have been searching for.....kind of ironic,huh?

                                             Holla' If You Hear Me!!!

Friday, June 4, 2004

For Mother

No news is good news---

Life-support was discontinued today at 12:00 pm,central daylight savings time,for my mother. As I write this,she is still sort of breathing unassisted. The doctor says there is NO chance of her recovering from this...I think I will just wait and see. So for right now,there is no word,but that could change at any time.

      I guess my biggest problem is the way that our mother treated us,and never apoligized for her behavior. She never saw herself as doing anything wrong. I spent a lot of years hating her. Maybe loathing is a better word? No,it was pure,raw,unadulterated hate,plain and simple. In recent years I have come to realize that she mostly could not help what she did for all of that time.

        I never told my mom that I loved her....I don't think that I did,so I would not say it. I will shed no tears for her,it is a sign of weakness,and besides,she wouldn't stand for any of that. She was tough,and she was mean,but most of all,she was,and still is,a fighter. I firmly believe this,and wherever she ends up,someone will most certainly have their hands full.......................................

                                        Holla' If You Hear Me!!!

Thursday, June 3, 2004


Kind of quiet today. Spent the day with my wife,daughters,and my grand-children. Today,I celebrate six months of not smoking. I have worked very hard at this....I smoked for over 30 years,and quit in one day. I spend the last six months trying to save my life,and my mother commits suicide..................

                                   Holla' If You Hear Me!!!

Wednesday, June 2, 2004

The Decision

          If there is no change in two days,I will have to make the decision to stop life-support on my mother. Seems she took just enough pills to stop her breathing,but not enough to finish the job.(doctor's words,not mine). Yes,it was suicide.....seems a sad end to one's life,but I have been there before myself!  Things have to get pretty bad to make you get like that.

         This is nothing new,she has done this before,mostly for attention. I guess this time she got too much attention. I still am not sure how I should feel. I consider the loss of ANY life to be a bad thing,even if it is by their own hand,but this life...........

                                          Holla' If You Hear Me!!!

Tuesday, June 1, 2004


       I was informed today that my mother is in a coma in a hospital in Missouri.....I don't know what I should feel.....I am a horrible monster,and I know it. The doctors don't give her much of a chance to live....none,actually.

           My God,what have I become.......?