Friday, October 28, 2005

It Is Time...

   Since you have followed me this far, then you should know some of the rest of my story, and my life. On a cool October evening, I walk out to my bike. I straddle her, and look her over. She is midnight black, sleek, fast, and I know every inch of her. I know her better than a husband knows his wife. I tell her things that I would tell no one else. She keeps my secrets, and whispers them to the wind. She is beautiful.

              "She" is the only female who will go with me this night...only men are allowed in the "clubhouse" this night. I would crawl on my hands and knees over broken glass to get there tonight. Tonight, I become one of the few; I become a full-fledged BIKER. You see, tonight is the end of a year-long quest. MY QUEST. Tonight is my initiation, I can't miss it.

           Key on, fuel-tank petcock valve on, two twists of the throttle, and then I come down hard on the kick-starter. The engine coughs, and sputters. Damn, fuel mixture is too rich for the cold air. I'll fix it later. Two more kicks, and the engine roars to life, shattering the silence of the evening. A full 1,000 cc's of Milwaukee Iron coming to life with "shorty" pipes, and no mufflers. No words on Earth can describe the feelings I have at that moment. I pull out into light traffic.

                     At the clubhouse, everyone is there, waiting for me. Normally, everyone would be drinking, smoking, whatever. Not tonight, at least, not yet. Everyone will be sober for this occasion. There are 25 men here, men who are my friends, men who I have worked with, drank with, smoked with, men who I look up to. Only one man here will not hit me this night...for the others, their job is clear. They will try to make me walk away from this life. "Nervous" is a realative term this night.

                  They line up, twelve men in two lines, facing each other. Each man has a long leather strap. If I can WALK, not run, through these 24 men hitting me with these straps, and not quit, or give up, then I am in. Each man can hit you as long as he can reach you, without him moving from his spot. These men enjoy this part of the "ceremony". The only thing that keeps my fears at bay is the knowledge that I will truly be one of them after this....and the fact that I can get as drunk and as high as I need to to ease the pain afterwards.

         I start down the rows of my fellow bikers. The first of many blows hits me across the back. It feels as if someone has just opened my skin and set fire to me! Another blow lands, then another. I grit my teeth, and wince under the pain. Any hopes I had of my friends "going easy" on me have been erased. This is how they got in, and they do not take it lightly.

              To spare you all of the grisly details, I made it through. I didn't stumble or fall. I did stop once, and figured out quickly that was a bad idea. I won't say that I came through like a champ, but I came through.

              Was it all worth it? I think it was....but then, I am made of different stuff than other people. The one man who didn't hit me? The leader of the club, "the prez". It was his job to tell me if I made it or not. He said the three sweetest words in the world to me; "You made it".


         "Holla' If You Hear Me!!!"

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

The Mysteries of "Writer's Block"

  I was searching for something 'profound', or 'sage-like' to write for today. Searching myself, NOT the internet. I couldn't find anything!?  My muse seems to have left me again, for a time. I try to give her just 'a little space', and she forgets where she should be. Then it hit me, write about females...the Bane of every man; a woman. I fear that this may end badly for me when certain females read this..........

                Men; we are simple animals, really. Sort of like "human dogs". Throw us some food, a little beer, TV, and a little sex once in a while, and we are content. When we marry, it is usually for life....we positively HATE CHANGE. Why do you think we keep underwear untill you can see through it? We are not hard to figure out. Tell us you want to go somewhere, we only need time enough to get the car keys, and we are ready!

                 Men shopping? That mainly consists of us walking through the store and putting things into the buggy that look interesting to eat. There is no more thought than that to it, girls. Eating out? Steak and potatoes will do just fine---we could care less what them damn "frenchies" are eating! Anything with ketchup is just fine. Oh, yeah, and a couple of beers to wash it down with.

                 Females...if you want to go out, let's say at 8:00 pm, you start getting ready at 3:00 pm! And you are almost ALWAYS LATE!!! In those five hours, we can change the oil in the car, mow the lawn, and catch a ball game on tv! Oh, yeah, and wash it all down with a few beers! And let's not forget the obligatory "does this make me look fat"? quote from you girls. Look, if you are a size 16, don't try to fit into a size 8 dress, because, yes, it WILL make you look fat! Wear what is comfortable...we love you no matter what your size. If we didn't, we wouldn't still be there for you to ask the question to!

                 And, please, if you want to hang pictures, or do other things around the house for yourselves that requires you to read a tape-measure, LEARN TO READ IT!!!  You simply cannot measure something, and then tell me it is "16 inches, and some dots"!!!!! That just doesn't work! And STOP buying those damn 'teddy-bear' checks! Do you realize how goofy it looks when we go to Home Depot, and write on those damn things?? It just isn't right.

              The whole point to this exercise is to point out that women are FAR DIFFERENT from men. I guess that book is right, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I just don't see HOW we ever get along together with all of the differences between us. Or, maybe it is because of those differences......................I leave that up to you to decide.


                       Holla' If You Hear Me!!!

I have been quit for 1 Year, 10 Months, 2 Weeks, 1 Day, 18 hours, 27 minutes and 56 seconds (685 days). I have saved $1,800.13 by not smoking 24,001 cigarettes. I have saved 2 Months, 3 Weeks, 8 hours and 5 minutes of my life.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

All Quiet on the Southern Front

    Well, things have been sort of quiet of late. I am still eagerly awaiting 'All Hallows Eve'. This is always my favorite time of the year. From now untill about April. I love the winter. I have no idea why, but I do. I always have!

              Even as a child, I couldn't wait for the lead-grey skies of winter. Summer is ok, but I prefer winter. I have heard all of the stories about people getting "cabin-fever" in the winter.....NOT ME!! Give me low temps, and plenty of SNOW!!!

                 "But flowers don't bloom in winter", you say. Who needs 'em? They just bring bees, and I am allergic to bee-stings. Besides, artificial flowers look just fine to me...and they have the added advantage of NOT DYING! "Nuclear Winter"??? Bring it on! Hell, I am ready for it.

                  Now for the bad news....I keep hearing that our heating bill will go way up this winter. Sounds kind of stupid to me, especially since I use natural gas, and the pumping station is just three miles from my house!! We do not import natural is found HERE. We EXPORT plenty of it. I have seen the ships on tv that handle it. But yet, it will go up just as much as crude oil from the middle east. I say that something is definitely rotten in Denmark!!!


Holla' If You Hear Me!!!

Sunday, October 9, 2005

Of Horses and Men

   As most of you already know, I have a fondness for 'steel-horses'----motorcycles. I grew up with them, and, consequently, grew to love them. I also grew up with real horses...I never really liked them too much. They tend to be just like women---too unpredictable! Jumpy, too!

                 As further proof of this, we got a frantic call from our oldest daughter Friday night. She and her husband own two horses, both wild, and un-broken(first mistake). Seems her husband climbed onto the mare that they own, my daughter had just gotten off of her, "she was acting funny", she said to him(second mistake). He decides to tie down her lead rope to a post(last mistake), and then climb on her. This horse is wild, not even broke to a bridle, and they have a SADDLE on her. From what little I know about breaking horses, I know that you DO NOT just throw a saddle on a wild one, then climb on it! BIG MISTAKE!!!

              Well, the son-in-law is now in the hospital with a shattered leg, and the possibility that he could lose his foot. The doctors have already done two surgeries, and there will need to be more. When the horse threw him(was there ever any doubt as to this happening?), he went one way, and his leg another, plus, his foot got caught in the stirrup, and his weight caused him to twist, snapping BOTH bones in his lower leg, and almost completely disconnecting his foot from his leg. He is, I imagine, in terrible pain. It will be four months before he can even walk again, IF he doesn't lose the foot. Looks like I get the grandkids back for awhile.

              With my daughter going back to work, and her husband laid up, I guess I have to go back on "Grandpa Patrol" for a little while. See, steel horses are better. They only throw you when you act stupid, or get too stoned to be on them to start with. Thanks, but I think that I will just stick with the steel horse.....they are safer!!


Holla' If You Hear Me!!!

Tuesday, October 4, 2005

An Ephiphany! (Maybe)

    Here I am again! I was in LOTS of pain yesterday...I could barely walk. My wife won out, and I went to the doc for a shot to kill the pain, and I feel better today. I was just glad she was home yesterday; she knows I would never ask her to take off from work just to take me to the doctor. Anyway.....

              It is no secret at my home that I have always been interested in 'prophets', or 'seers'. I think I have come up with a new theory. My theory states that NO ONE can know the future. It just can't happen. I hope to show you why I think that way. I just hope I can help you, the reader, to understand my point of view, and then have you form YOUR OWN OPINION. Even if it is different from mine.

                Think of 'time' as we know it, as a line. On this line are three points, and the line is finite. It might look something like this;  A_________B________C.  (A) represents the PAST. This has already happened. (B) represents NOW, what IS happening. (C) is the FUTURE...this has NOT happened yet. Are you still with me? Trust me, it isn't very complicated, I know, it came from my head.

                  Here is where it might get a little tricky.The line MUST remain STRAIGHT between (A) and (B), because this has been, and is now. But the line to (C) is not so straight.That is because this has not been. Anything could change the path to (C). You could be headed toward (C), and get sidetracked, thus, (C) would be arrived at later, or sooner, thereby changing what (C) would have been. Do you follow me so far? As things go, and all things being equal, there are numerous paths to (C), simply because it has NOT happened yet.

                You could sneeze in a diner, and change the future...or not. The possibilities are endless.  As much as I love to read from prophets past, I just think that no one could know the future. Questions, comments, abusive remarks? You know where to find me!!


                Holla' If You Hear Me!!!