Wednesday, September 6, 2006

I'm Back---Again

Well, here we are. I have just spent the last week in the hospital again. I swear, the more I fight to NOT be like my poor mother was, it seems the closer I come to being just that! There is maybe about half of my brain I could do without. The "screwey" half, that is.

 

            I watched my mother get worse and worse before she died. The final year for her was pure hell. I could tell she was far worse than I had ever seen her. The pure fact that she was insane was the single factor that contributed most in her death. I firmly believe that, and nothing can ever change that. I felt more pity than hatred for her. Hate is easy....pity for one such as her is hard for me. I have no idea why.

 

          As I struggle with that part of my brain that wants so badly to see me dead, I wonder WHEN, and HOW it will happen? I know it will, I just don't know when and where. If I knew those two pieces of information, maybe I could stop it. As it stands now, it must happen. I don't look forward to that time....I know it will be messy. I hope the time never comes, I certainly do my best to fight against it!

 

            Everything else is ok, I guess. I just have to fight against half of myself all the time. The conflict that rages within my mind is nothing short of a small war. I hope to someday win the war, but I am also realistic. People like me rarely live to be very old. It's just a fact of life(and Death).

 

                     Holla' If You Hear Me!!!

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