I'm A Fool...

  My wife finally called home today. You want to hear something corny? I love her. I hate her right now, but I still love her. Twenty five years ago, I gave my life to this woman. I have tried to give her everything she wanted that was within my grasp. Twenty five years of my life, and this is how she spends it.

  There is one thing you need to understand; I am fiercely loyal. I have never played around on her...I agreed at our wedding that from that moment there was only one woman in my life. I kept it that way untill now. I have only two things in this world, my name, and my word. My name may have been given to me, but my word is my own, and I don't break it.

     One other thing about me...I will not take a life. Ever. No one gets to decide if another lives or dies. Yes, I am an old Biker, but I have never taken a life. Don't get me wrong, I can get down when a situation calls for it, but never have I needed to kill to control the scene.

     So, there it is. When she called this morning, I told her that she has to follow her heart. If I am no longer in it, then so be it. I refuse to share her with another man. I simply told her that she must choose, me or him. There is no "in-between" in this situation. My heart and soul(if there is such a thing), belong to her, but my destiny is my own. I am still around after the life I have lead because the fates think I am not finished. I think I have work to do in this part of the voyage. Thanks to all of you who responded to me in my time of need. I just need a little more time. Forgive her? No. Learn to live with it? I'm not sure, but I explained to her that I can no longer go through this with her, and I will not do this anymore.

 

          I have no idea why this woman is trying to break me, but I told her today was it. I will do this no more. The strain alone is killing me. I will not choose between her and Hell. I will simply walk away from it all. I deserve better. This crap has gone on too long. I am just too tightly wound to keep this up. I am right at the edge of just completely un-spooling.  There are times that I cannot control what I do. It is sort of like being blind...the shit just happens, and I end up seeing the aftermath. It's like I'm not there when it happens. I guess my mind takes me away from it all. I know that I am not "normal", but what the fuck am I? I feel like a raging beast at times, and I cannot stop it.

 

          Holla' If You Hear Me.