Moods--We all have them

Actually, I like some classical music, but like anything else, only in moderation. I have been wondering lately (Yes, I have too much time on my hands). Do some of the things I do or feel make me any less---me?

    I seem to find joy in certain paintings that I have seen before, but noticed nothing in particular at the time. Certain songs, or music holds new meaning for me. I am sometimes struck by the simplest of things as being overly fascinating, like I have missed something in these things for a lifetime!

  Am I becoming 'civilized', settled, or just more mentally disturbed than before? I find myself pondering these thoughts more frequently than before. The simple fact that I can actually sit here long enough to write this is, in itself, a small miracle.

   So, what is happening? Am I 'evolving', finding the 'next level' in life? And just WHEN did Sienfeld quit being funny, and just become another "whiner" in life? I have always liked the "Kramer" character, but more so now than before. Something is changing, and I know it.

   I still have all of the memories of growing up in a Biker-gang, and the awful things that my mother and step-dad did to us kids growing up. But, since my mother's murder, these things just don't seem too important right now.

   My grandmother(maternal) told me that my real dad wanted to get in touch with me. I wrote to him twice in June, after my mother died. I got the same response as always...nothing. He is a horrible person, and likes to do terrible things to people. He is said to be in poor health.

   I say "fuck him, and let him rot". I haven't become so 'warm-and-fuzzy' that I could ever forgive him anything. I thought my mother and I were on our way to some kind of 'understanding' in our lives, and she was suddenly snatched away by Death itself. A sad end to a sad life...............

   I still trust no one, and I still hate people just as always...I just seem to enjoy some things that I never did before. I have no idea what is going on, but to find "beauty" in things,(other than engines, or machinery) is just not 'like me'.

 ......and he continues to slip, uncontrollably, toward the black abyss....never to be seen again.   An original quote from me, although I am sure that someone, somewhere, has said it before me....I can't be the only one............