Depression

  Depression...what is that like?? Just imagine if someone parked a fully loaded 10 ton dump-truck on your chest, then told you to escape. But you must escape RIGHT NOW, and do it quietly, so you don't disturb the "normals" around you. (I don't call you "normals", I prefer "Mundanes")

     Now, free yourself from this crushing weight, NOW, get with it, you don't want to be "different". You MUST conform, be "well-adjusted", normal, like everyone else. Everyone screaming at you to conform, not letting up. But wait, just give it a few days, and you will be on cloud nine!!

      It is like being drunk with power...everything is funny, everyone likes you, you just can't lose......then, someone parks that damn truck back on top of you. Welcome to my world....a land that is completely foriegn to you "Mundanes".

      I think that I am tired of riding this roller-coaster.

The Human Mind---or lack thereof...

 Ahhh, I see some of my children are still with me; good. For today's lesson, let us look deep into that lump  of grey-matter we loosely call "the human mind". A  non-descript organ, about 2 1/2 to 3 pounds of lumps, with small, electrical charges running all over it. Very easily "fried" when hooked to a large electrical current!

     We go through life with this lump in our skulls, some say it makes each individual who they are. It is strange, but in childhood, it seems(for the most part) to function OK. Then we "grow up". Just when you were skating through this mess that we call "life", with little, or no trouble, the damn thing goes haywire on you!

     It is suddenly like everything has been wired up by a blind man. Everything you knew, just sort of gives way to a "new reality", a reality that has nothing to do with being "real" any longer.  This doesen't seem to happen to everyone---those people who are "unaffected" want to tell those who are affected just what is wrong; for $200.00 an hour!

    You see, it happened to me. Some say from being abused as a child....some say from my time in a motorcycle gang when I was young. Some even say that some of the things that my mother did when I was young was "sexual abuse". You got me...I'm not an "expert".

      I think I know just when I "broke"? Stopped caring...just didn't give a damn, whatever. I think it was somewhere around the 50th beating from my mom. You know, the really good ones, where she took a large leather belt, and hit your bare legs until she cut you open and  you would bleed all night. That might have been it. Or, maybe it WAS with the bikers, maybe around the fourth, or fifth biker I saw lying on the pavement, bleeding to death from wounds inflicted by guns, knives, or crashes??

      I guess we will never quite know just when little johnny "broke". But we DO know one terrible thing.....little johnny can't be fixed!  Sleep well........sleep LIGHTLY.

A Simple Man, with a Simple Plan

  "A simple man, with a simple plan".  I can hear you now---"what the hell is that about?"  I just thought that if some of you have not started at the beginning of this journal, then you would not know who I am.

    I am just that, a simple man. But, I can be very complex at times. How can I be complex? If I knew the answer to that, then I might not have to go see a shrink!  I don't like change, at all! This past Tuesday, this new doctor offered to put me in the hospital. I declined, I told him there were too many "nuts" there.

     You see, I don't do well with other people, especially those that I have no knowledge of. Call it fear of the unknown, but with me, it is more of a "control issue". I do not like situations where I have no control over what happens next (if anyone can ever have ANY control of anything, I think it is more of an illusion to placate our fears).

    I am just a person who wants nothing more than to be left alone----yet, I come here and post all of the time?? A human paradox if ever I saw one! That's me, simple, yet complex. I can't even understand MYSELF, how can someone else ever HOPE to understand me?

    A comet that burns brightly, yet stays hidden behind the moon, so no one can see. Dark and light, Yin and Yang, Good and Bad. How does it all fit together, to make a whole? I guess we will never know, at least , not in this life.

       Have a good weekend, my children. Be safe, but most of all, be cool!!

Labels----

     Well, now, something has come up, here in the pages of what I loosely call my life. Seems someone was called "white-trash" by someone else. Hmmmm, I am not about to get into that one, but it got me to thinking...labels, and how we "aquire" them.

   Now, take me for example...I am ;abeled as "biker", because of my back-ground, and the way I dress, and look, and talk, and view things. Other people see that I live in a large trailer, and say "white trash". Still others see me as a "redneck". And, others see me as a "bully", because I look mean, and don't talk to people when I am out.....hmmmm.

    Now, the way I see it, I AM a biker, a veteran(army), a dad, and a grandfather, husband, Uncle, Son-in-law, and cousin(or "cuz" as we say). So, it seems that even I have labels for me. Wild, huh? It gets better....... Doctors call me "heart-patient, schizophrenic, bi-polar, manic-depressive, "post-traumatic-stressed", and some things that I could NEVER hope to spell!

    At my favorite web-site, I am "administrator", to my wife, I am "husband", "provider", "lover", "friend". To my children and grandchildren, I am "dad", "protector", and "a pretty cool guy to know".

     To my close neighbors, I am "quiet", "strange", "very probabally mean". What was that, about 20 some labels for just one guy? Most of those are correct, some not, but that is OK. I wear the one label that ALL of us wear constantly----HUMAN.  

      Now, go play with some "labels" yourself. And girls....you are free to continue your feudin'.

Just Another Manic Monday--------(not really)

   I know, I know, it is not Monday. Shut up! I know what day it is! I just feel like that old 80's song..."Just Another Manic Monday", by the Bangles?? Someone correct that if it is wrong, and I think it is.

   What today? Not much, as it is only about noon-thirty here. Half a day gone, and I have done NOTHING productive. Well, I did post on our new web-site, and sent out welcome letters to new members. I DID manage to haul my ass out of bed today, so I guess that accounts for something.

      I sat outside last week, late one evening, and said goodbye to summer once again. I have seen 44 of them come and go. Some of those summers hold LOTS of memories---actually, ALL of them hold SOME memories. I cannot remember ever having a bad summer.

      Here's an idea just for today. No matter your age, who you are, how much you have(or don't have), stop for a few minutes, and recall your BEST summer ever, to date. I bet it brings a smile to your face, if only for a second. Try it, and remember to do this often. Or, get out there, and make some NEW memories!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Another One???

   Wake up!! I am here, and ready to rock-n-roll!!  My local doc sent me to a "new" shrink! They confirmed my worst fears----I'M CRAZY!!!!!!!!!  I have to go back in about six weeks to see what this joker comes up with??  Here's a clue---my mother was insane, so was HER mother, chances are pretty good that I am a NUT also!!! See, I did that all by myself, and didn't need eight(8) years of college to figure it out!  What a bunch of dumb-fucks! Shrinks are like fortune-tellers; they listen a little, and tell you all the obvious shit that you already know!!  Jerk-offs! They even wanted to put me in the hospital TODAY!!

      Now, I ask you, how the HELL can I bug people if I am locked down???  I AM CHAOS.....I MUST REIGN FOR NOW!  Ain't it cool??

It's HERE!!!! It's HERE!!!

  I just thought some of you needed to see this....like I said, I expose Gov't. lies when I can!!

________________________________________________

Subject: The 2005 Draft (Men and Women) 18-26
>
>
>Dear all,
>I just received this email from a friend. I thought that you might want to
>know
>about this.
>Mandatory draft for boys and girls (ages 18-26) starting June 15, 2005, is
>something that everyone should know about. This literally effects everyone
>since
>we all have or know children that will have to go if this bill passes.
>There is pending legislation in the house and senate (companion bills: S89
>and
>HR 163) which will time the program's initiation so the draft can begin as
>early
>as spring, 2005, just after the 2004 presidential election. The
>administration
>is quietly trying to get these bills passed now, while the public's
>attention is
>on the elections, so our action on this is needed immediately. Details and
>links
>follow. This plan, among other things, eliminates higher education as a
>shelter
>and includes women in the draft. Also, crossing into Canada has already
>been made very difficult.
>
>Actions:
>
>Please send this on to all the parents and teachers you know, and all the
>aunts
>and uncles, grandparents, godparents. . .
>And let your children know - - it's their future, and they can be a
>powerful
>voice for change!
>
>This legislation is called
>HR 163
>and can be found in detail l at this website:
>
>
>http://thomas.loc.gov/
>
>Just enter in "HR 163" and click search and will bring up the bill for you
>to
>read. It is less than two pages long.
>
>If this bill passes, it will include all men and ALL WOMEN from ages 18 -
>26 in
>a draft for military action. In addition,
>college will no longer be an option
>for avoiding the draft
>
>and they will be signing an
>agreement with the Canada which will no longer
>permit anyone attempting to dodge the draft to stay within it's borders.
>This
>bill also includes the extension of military service for all those that are
>currently active. If you go to the select service web site and read their
>2004
>FYI Goals you will see that the reasoning for this is to increase the size
>of
>the military in case of terrorism. This is a critical piece of legislation,
>this
>will effect our undergraduates, our children and our grandchildren.
>Please take the time to write your congressman and let them know how you
>feel
>about this legislation.
>www.house.gov www.senate.gov
>Please also write to your representatives and ask them why they aren't
>telling
>their constituents about these bills and write to newspapers and other
>media
>outlets to ask them why they're not covering this important story.
>
>The draft $28 million has been added to the 2004 selective service system
>budget
>to prepare for a military draft that could start as early as June 15, 2005.
>Selective service must report to Bush on March 31, 2005 that the system,
>which
>has lain dormant for decades, is ready for activation.
>Please see www.sss.gov/perfplan_fy2004.html
>to view the Selective Service System
>annual performance plan, fiscal year 2004.
>The pentagon has quietly begun a public campaign to fill all 10,350 draft
>board
>positions and 11,070 appeals board slots nationwide. Though this is an
>unpopular
>election year topic, military experts and influential members of congress
>are
>suggesting that if Rumsfeld's prediction of a "long, hard slog" in Iraq and
>Afghanistan (and permanent state of war on terrorism) proves accurate, the
>U.S.
>may have no choice but to draft.
>
>www.hslda.org/legislation/national/2003/s89/default.asp
>
>entitled the Universal National service Act of 2003, "to provide for the
>common
>defense by requiring that all young persons (age 18-26) in the United
>States,
>including women, perform a period of military service or a period of
>civilian
>service in furtherance of the national defense and homeland security, and
>for
>other purposes." Th ese active bills
>currently sit in the committee on armed services. Dodging the draft will be
>more
>difficult than those from the Vietnam era. College and Canada will not be
>options. In December, 2001, Canada and the U.S. signed a "smart border
>declaration," which could be used to keep would-be draft dodgers in. Signed
>by
>Canada's minister of foreign
>affairs, John Manley, and U.S. Homeland Security director, Tom Ridge, the
>declaration involves a 30 point plan which implements, among other things,
>a
>"pre-clearance agreement" of people entering and departing each country.
>Reforms
>aimed at making the draft more equitable along gender and class lines also
>eliminates higher
>education as a shelter. Underclassmen would only be able to postpone
>service
>until the end of their current semester. Seniors would have until the end
>of the
>academic year.
>
>What to do: Tell your friends, Contact your legislators and ask them to oppose these bills Just type "congress" into the aol search engine and input your zip code. A list of your reps will pop up with a way to email them directly. We can't just sit and pretend that by ignoring it, it will go away. We must voice our concerns and create the world we want to live in for our children and grandchildren.