...And Still I Go On

 I will say this much...I still hurt. Even as hard as I am, I do have feelings. A good friend wrote to me asking me to "let someone in", because of my "tough-guy" veneer. Well, I did let someone in 25 years ago. We all know just how that went. No, I refuse to let anyone in again. This will never happen to me again. I now hate everyone and everything. There is no happiness left in the world. You think I was isolated before? As the saying goes, "You ain't seen nothing yet". As far as I am concerned, women are pure evil.

 

        All my life, some fuckin' woman has tried to hurt me, starting with my mom, and now this. No More! I don't care if some of you stop reading here because you are female. Life sucks, then you get fucked over by the only person that you trust. Well, I trust no one now. I say "Fuck the world", I don't need anyone to get along. I got along just fine before I met her. She says she is sorry, sure, after the fact! She had every intention of hurting me as badly as she could. It worked. It worked beyond her wildest dreams.

 

    "Open up" is the LAST fucking thing I will ever do again. Never. This shit has happened to me for the last time! At least with another man, I know what is up. Not so with back-stabbing, lying, devious, conniving, evil fucking women!

About The Last Entry

That last entry was sent to me by one of my real Dad's Sisters...which would make her my Auntie. I would like to say something to her right here in public...thanks for being there for me. And not just you, but others who come here and try to give me support in this horrible time in my maybe short life.

 

       I feel that I am letting some of you down, as I am still contemplating doing away with myself. I thought I could let this thing go, but I can't. She has destroyed everything I ever believed in. I just can't live with that...I don't know what else to say. I cannot continue on this path in life. The cliff is in front of me, I only need to walk forward into oblivion...it's not that hard.  I have nothing left...what I loved more than anything has been defiled. I simply cannot bring myself to touch her, and I just don't understand it.

 

       Do I still love her? How can I be sure? How can I know? Death is far more preferable to this. Our marriage has been dishonored. All I have is my word, and my Honor. I no longer have that Honor. Why? Why did this have to happen? What is wrong with me? Why is this so hard for me? Fuck, I have fought through much worse than this. Hell, most of my life has been a struggle. Why is this any different? I just cannot live with this dishonor.

 

       I feel like I am constantly slipping further into the darkness that awaits. I have no fear of dying...I got over that a long time ago. So she took my guns and sold them...I can still cut my wrists open, and let the darkness envelope me. I will have saved my Honor, not much else, but I will have that.

The Days Go On

 

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?!
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? !
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

The Strangest Emotion of them All

 Love is the strangest emotion of them all. We feel anger, joy, happiness, and sadness for a reason. We feel love for no reason at all. A fleeting emotion, it can occur with the slightest look, glance, smile, or any movement at all, or any thought or spoken word.

 

      Those things can just as quickly cancel out love. It can go either way. Love has very few masters, and legions of fools. Hard men can crumble in it's wake. I have seen hard fightin' men go down without so much as a last gasp, into the grips of love. I have also seen those same hard men completely crushed by love.

 

        I am in the number of fools in love. So pissed-off at someone that I could just completely snap, but not wanting to lose that person. My heart lives in the dark blackness that only the true love for another can bring in the wake of a tragedy...my heart aches from deep within. The other person can never realize just what damage they have wrought. They could never imagine the deep despair that I feel at this time.

 

      I will make it through this...I have to. All of my life I have been disappointed...this is just another test to see just how much I can take. Fine, I will survive this, a little more jaded than before, but with experience, nonetheless. I will go on, I will still love, but that love will be different now...harder, and more skeptical of things. Quicker to catch on to the lies, and to know when something is going on that shouldn't be.

 

            :-) Holla' If You Hear Me!!! :-)

Others Like Me

 I finally found someone, who, like me, gets fed up with the AOL service!  Go get 'em, girl!

 

        :-) Holla' If You Hear Me!!! :-)

Bad Things

 As long as I am here, I should warn those of you with kids about something I learned of recently. If your kids have a PSP(Play Station Portable), they can download things from the internet. Music, movies, games, and PORNOGRAPHY! That's right, PORNO. It never occured to me to do this, but it seems that kids can do it. You might just want to check up on "junior" once in awhile.

"Being"

  I think, therefore I am. I feel, therefore I am a fool.