Still

..And she just called...still the shit goes on.

 

                Holla' If You Hear Me!!!

Hello Again

 Well, my friend Bob has gone all philisophical on me. I am really confused by that, but he IS giving good advice, so I will just see how far he takes it. I kind of like it, though! Not much to report today. Things at home are still the same...shitty and strained. Guess it will stay that way untill I finally leave. Sounds strange, but it will come to that. I hate it, but it is the final solution. Either that, or something worse.

 

         I am not working on anything today, I sort of took the day off. Like I said yesterday, I am still recovering from Saturday. I still say it was worth it, even if I did have to return to the hell that is "home". I am trying to come up with a new design for the knives. I don't really like the current design, it was only intended to be an initial proto-type anyway. Other people seem to like the design, but as an artist,(and I use that term loosely), nothing is ever "finished" for us. It really sucks sometimes, being like that.

 

            Ok, how about the state of my mental self? Fucked up! Really fucked up! I have been on this medicine for over a year now, and I can see no change. If anything, my mental state seems to have worsened. I hate those around me, and can only imagine doing really bad things to them....some of them. Paranoid? Not really, I just don't trust ANYONE, and I believe NOTHING that the wife says to me. She is the embodiment of lying and back-stabbing. She has tried my patience at every turn...and now it is running thin. Oh, the things that run in my brain! If some of you only had  even a tiny clue...

 

                                        Holla' If You Hear Me!!!

 

                            

Monday, Monday

 Monday, the most maligned day of the week. I like Mondays, I've never had a problem with Monday. When I was younger, it meant an end to the seemingly "endless" partying. A time to stop "drinking and druggin". A time for rest at work. Hell, I used to go to work to get out of partying! But, that was in my younger days. Back in the "past". We have spoken of that already.

 

                Saturday I went fishing with my oldest daughter, her husband, and the grandkids. Through no fault of my daughter or her husband, I ended up as a babysitter. This was not a bad thing...I had quite the time with the children. I have always had a certain way with kids. They just seem to like me. Even now when my wife and I are out, kids will still just come up and talk to me. Don't read that the wrong way. I have never harmed a child, and never will. I think you would be hard-pressed to find a Biker who has hurt a child. They have children and grandchildren of their own.

 

                Ok, I got off track. I was happy Saturday, although I paid a heavy price for the day. A lot of my meds say that they are "photo-sensitive". That translates to "stay out of the sun". Kind of hard to do if you plan on fishing! As I wore a shirt with no sleeves,("Bubba" style), I promptly burned within ten minutes of fishing. Oh well, too late to do anything about it then! They also had a big cook-out, so there was plenty of food and beer; two things I didn't need together. I limited my self on the eating, and I also sat with the grandkids to be sure that they ate. However, I am sad to say, I had about seven beers. That is well within my "acting drunk and stupid" tolerance, so I was ok there.

 

                The "being happy" part came as a surprise. I have been so unhappy for so long, I almost forgot how it felt to be happy. Sounds stupid, dosen't it? For a few hours this past Saturday, I was "ok". Un-fuckin'-beliveable! The price paid for Saturday was worth it. It will be a long time before I go fishing again; I am still sick and my arms are still burning. It was just too much sun at once for me. That in itself is strange, as I used to fish all day long on the week-ends when I was younger, and would do so without a shirt! I never used to burn, but now...sheesh! By the way, I am still making knives. If you want one, tell me. I get twenty dollars (U.S. currency only, please), for one, and thirty five for two. If you contact me,   johngjr1960@aol.com, with details of where to send it, I will pay the shipping and handling. Laterzzzzzzzzzz

 

                                  Holla' If You Hear Me!!!

The Past

 The past...it has gone by. It is in the past. The past can never be changed, it has already happened. "Don't live in the past", people say. But so much of who and what we are has been shaped by the past. Think about it, you are what you are simply because of the past.

 

             So much of how we see life actually comes from the past. We (hopefully) learn lessons from the past...good or bad. We learn who we can trust, and who we can't. Sometimes, we learn too late that a person  we trusted earned that trust wrongly. We learned in the past that this person could be trusted, when they were only lying in wait to prove that they could not be trusted! In this case, the past lied to us. It happens. People say to "move on, put the past behind you".

 

               It isn't that easy sometimes. If the person wasn't that close to you, then who gives a shit what they do. We learn to avoid that person, because they are scum. What if the person is very close, and a very trusted person? What if that person just rips the heart right out of you? Takes everything you knew, and completely destroys it in front of your eyes? Once it is done, it is "past". You MUST live in the past to some extent, that way you learn to ELIMINATE the people that destroy everything that you held dear. By living, and learning, from the past, they will never get the chance to harm you again.

 

                  What if it was someone you loved so deeply that you would do, or give, anything for that person? What if that person hurt you so badly that it never heals? By looking to the past, you can make sure that they NEVER get a second chance to do it again. I speak from personal experience, as some of you know. I will NEVER AGAIN let someone so completely fool me. The blinders are off..."love"? Fuck that...it is gone. Can it be regained? Never. You only fool me once, then I see you in a different light, the light that says "this person will only lie to you and hurt you again". My motto has always been to "trust no one". I got away from that, but now I am back to it. Everyone will eventually screw you over, so, "Trust No One", is a good motto to hold onto.

 

                      Holla' If You Hear Me!!!

Just Updating

  I have finished my third knife so far. I know I said it took a couple of days for each one, but the more you do of them, the easier they become to do. I guess that is the way of some things. Or the fact that I am just that damn good!! LOL

 

             I am planning on going fishing Saturday if the weather holds. By "holds" I mean no tornadoes! I don't mind rain, I even have a poncho for that event. Here is a good tip for anyone that fishes; within your tackle box, place a large , black, trash bag. If you get caught in a rain, simply slip it over your head(cut a slit in the bottom, and a small slit on each side for your arms). You might want to prepare it at home first. I found this very useful in my younger years.

 

                 Thanks to Bob for the inspiration. That was some truly heavy shit, bro! I don't know how you came up with it, but it was good. I sometimes forget that my brain tells me to do things that aren't right, and then I go ahead and do them. And Bob, it isn't the present that I have trouble finding happiness in, it is the past. I just sometimes need to blow off a little steam. Just imagine a colossol struggle  going on everyday, then imagine that struggle is inside your head! Hey, it gets crowded in there sometimes.

 

                                     Holla' If You Hear Me!!!

Just for Those Who Don't Know My Alter-Ego

 For those who don't know, I am the DragonMaster at other websites. I ask only for complete power, over everything! I neither want nor need your blind devotion. I will, however, command your respect! This is a new affirmation. There will be changes made in my fucked up life. Some will not survive the cut, that is too bad.

 

               I will be the person that I was twenty years ago. From now on, I will no longer be toyed with. I will embark on a personal journey of hurting everyone in my life who is hurting me at this point. No more fucking around! If someone gets in my way, they will get cut down quickly...I will have no mercy anymore. These people know who they are, and they will learn that I am NOT to be trifled with. If you get burned, then you deserved it.

 

                              HAPPY HUNTING!!!

Slow Time

 Slow day today. I felt like some baked potatoes today. I can't have them because of the diabetes, but I don't give a damn. I finished another knife, this one for my youngest daughter. She was the first to say, "I want one of those"! So, she gets this one. I suspect that my oldest and her husband will want one, also. I WILL get around to selling some sooner or later! I guess you have to spend money to make money.

 

              Still problems with the wife. The less said about her behavior, the better. I can say this; I would NOT put up with anyone else treating me like this. She has done things that I would have harmed other people for doing...and she actually expects me to reward her for this behavior! If she only knew what is brewing...and it ain't a malt.

 

                                Holla' If You Hear Me!!!